What’s Great

I started smoking cigs every now and then and when I do my parents don’t have a clue because they smell like them 24/7 so they probably just think its them

My grandparents just got here not even an hour ago and are visiting for a few days. It’s nice because I haven’t seen them since Christmas time but I feel so bad. In the time that they’ve been here I’ve been quiet and distant,
With all that’s happening with me, I know my dad told them (their his parents) so they know basically everything that is going on so I feel like I dissapointed them.
I just want to go away forever.

He’s really on my mind today, I can’t stop thinking about him

Days Like These

Where I just want to get out of this house. I don’t deserve to get yelled at for stupid things and then get yelled at for talking back; I am fed up with just taking it so you best bet I’m gonna yell back. I’m not appreciated here and it’s not like I’m looking for a cookie everytime I help out, but a simple ‘thanks’ would suffice.

Artificial Friend

We went from talking everyday and hanging out together, now you don’t even respond to a simple text from me. It’s only if the conversation is about/ benefits you in some way.
Your true colors are starting to show and all I can think right now is: YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF

Torn

I feel like I’m being torn in more than one direction by my own self. I believe I am at the most controversial part of my life right now of growing up and gaining/ learning the true sense of independence and responsibility. I don’t know who I want to be, what I want to do with my life, how to handle situations…I just am lost as to where to even begin.

A part of me wants to just say fuck it, party, drink, swear, dress slutty, play with boys and their emotions… THEN the other part of me wants to focus on my schoolwork, not have drinking and partying be a priority, pray to God and study the bible every night…. THEN I just want to dissapear away from everything.

I feel as though who I want to be weans more towards the second version of myself I’m torn to be. Because even when I’m out numbing the pain with partying and people who could care less about me…I know deep down I would rather be with people who could give me conversation with substance and people who genuinely, would be there for me.

Don’t get me wrong, some of my drunk nights and times I wouldn’t trade for the world because they were SO fun or taught me a lesson, but I want to learn my lessons soberly and with the guidance of God.

I’m ready to be torn by the direction I’m supposed to be torn from.

No Doubts

Reflecting back on my situations with guys, I realize I always found myself doubting being with them because I feared someone else would come along that I’d be more into, in every way. The personality, looks, habits, way he would talk; I just always convinced myself someone better was out there.
So I guess my point is is that once you find someone that you don’t second guess, that you don’t find yourself with the ability to find someone better, don’t let that person go.